


Bazooka Shenanigans

by Mizudoriko



Series: Reborn and Leon Take Over the World, Like a Boss [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hunter X Hunter, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, more to be added - Fandom
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Hunter Exam (Hunter X Hunter), So this is all very crackish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23902054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizudoriko/pseuds/Mizudoriko
Summary: Leon can say with great certainty that they hate the Bazooka. Like. Seriously hate the Bazooka.A series of adventures they go on when hit by the Ten-Year Bazooka which always seems to be malfunctioning.Reborn is ready to either destroy the Bazooka or end Lambo. Maybe both.A drabble dump for plot bunnies and crossovers for Reborn: The Act, The Person, And the Chaos That Comes From Both. None of these are canon to the story. I just wanted to write insane scenarios because the main fic is heading off to despair land and I need something funny.I don't know if these chapters can be understood without reading the main work, but some of them might.
Relationships: Leon & Bazooka, Leon & Reborn (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!)
Series: Reborn and Leon Take Over the World, Like a Boss [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1204594
Comments: 36
Kudos: 169





	1. Yer a lizard, Harry. (Harry Potter)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So these are random ideas I came up with and I will label the fandom in the title if it is a crossover. If it is a continuation of a previous chapter, I will put that in the Chapter Notes. I'll also put the summary of the chapter in the Chapter Summary.  
> Great, since that is over with, on to the chapter summary of this crazy ride.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the Bazooka...well...it malfunctions. Then Leon is shot into another dimension without so much as a by your leave. They’re not happy about it, obviously. Who is this man dressed in clothes that appear to belong on a monk? The robes are the wrong color for a monk though.  
> Dark Lord? What Dark Lord?  
> Oh, his name is Voldemort.  
> It’s not Leon’s fault that their knee-jerk reaction is to shoot when someone acts threatening! They were already stressed by the sudden world-hopping!  
> Oh, Harry is cute. Wow. Oh, no he’s dead!  
> Why are Reborn’s training methods scarily efficient? Leon did not mean to take Harry’s place!  
> Someone send help.  
> Or maybe it is Hogwarts that needs help.

The Bazooka goes off, engulfing me in a cloud of pink smoke. In this situation, the first thing I do is panic, because Reborn is going to be  _ pissed _ . I just hope that my future self wasn’t doing something important. However, it would definitely be interesting to see what the future is like. 

The smoke clears and I find myself in a crib. What was my future self doing in a crib?

A dark figure looms ominously over me and I barely stop myself from barreling into him in delight. Disappointment sinks in quickly after because it is  _ not  _ Reborn.

Reborn has a nose. Among other things, like hair. Which...this person also lacks. Plus Reborn actually has muscles instead of this emaciated...thing? No, it’s rude to call people things, so this person will remain a person. If I am considered a person even when I am an object, he will also be considered a person.

This person smirks, but I like Reborn’s better,

“Lord Voldemort is above a mere prophecy.”

“Say what now? Who is Lord Voldemort?” I ask curiously, wonder exactly what he plans on doing with a wooden stick. A single twig wouldn’t be able to serve as a pair of chopsticks. Though I suppose if I snapped it in half…?

“It speaks,” the not-Reborn and ominously looming person chuckles as if he has told a funny joke. The first thing to know about people who laugh at their own jokes is that they are usually not funny. That is why they have to laugh at their own jokes. Because no one else will.

“Rude. We eat the rude,” I sniff imperiously, honestly, who is this man? 

Oh, there is a dead body on the floor, wonderful. She has nice hair. Or maybe she is sleeping? Awkwardly? That is a terrible position to sleep in, she will regret it if she's not dead.

“Harry Potter, a year old and already speaking. Perhaps that prophecy did find a suitable candidate to be my downfall. A pity. I would let you join me if you were anyone else,” not-Reborn continues to monologue. I am beginning to think he is a villain. Villains love to monologue.

I try to cut him off before he can wax poetic, I really don’t need a monologue thrown at me right now,

“Yeah, I speak English. I speak Italian too. And Chinese. Also Spanish. French. Russian because Skull will throw a fit if I didn’t learn Russian and Gaelic. So I know Gaelic too. Viper made sure I knew Portuguese. Similar to Spanish but also like, _so_ not Spanish.”

“Lord Voldemort does not appreciate liars,” he caresses the stick.

So does he have a stick problem? Whatever, I’m not going to kink shame.

“So you are Lord Voldemort? You do realize your French must be atrocious if you a pronouncing that ‘t’,” I counter, feeling like I’m about to lose brain cells.

Wait a minute. Harry Potter? Lord Voldemort? Oh,  _ hell no. _

Mind made up, I shift my arm into a gun and take my aim. Voldemort did not have time to react before I shot him through the head. Honestly, the world can do without a dark lord running around in it. 

Does this mean I ended up in another world? Seriously?

Where  _ is _ Harry Potter, by the way? I suppose he will no longer be the boy wonder because I just ended Voldemort. Well, I ended his physical body, there are still about five other pieces of him out there, discounting the one I see fleeing his body.

I turn to the side, only to find a baby. I mean, I look like a baby, but I’m not really a baby. This is an actual baby. Honest. He has nice black hair and what I assume are green eyes because he’s sleeping. Black hair is great. Fon and Reborn have black hair and they are awesome people.

I poke the baby. He doesn’t move. Exasperated, I check his vitals.

Oh, no.

Harry is not breathing, nor does he have a heartbeat. Oh, dear.

So...I am honestly baffled. Is Harry supposed to die? I don’t think so. The better question would be why I am not back yet. It has been five minutes, I’m sure of it.

Another ominous male rushes into the room, but his dramatic robe fluttering is ruined by the way he falls to the ground as if his strings were cut. He kneels in front of the red-haired woman, crying.

This is embarrassing to watch. Thankfully, he leaves quickly. 

Maybe I should leave too? I am about to take a leap of freedom from the crib when yet another man rushes into the room. How many visitors am I getting today? Scratch that, I need to get back to Reborn. He won’t be pacified by the appearance of my future self, because I highly doubt a future version of me appeared. If I am in another world where I shouldn’t exist, there is no future version of me to replace my absence.

So Reborn is  _ probably  _ murdering Lambo right now. 

Fun times.

“Oh, god, no! Lily!” the man turns toward me, “Harry! Wait, you are _ not _ Harry.”

What to do, what to do?

He rushes over, seeing the corpse of the baby,

“What did you do to Harry! No, a child couldn’t have done this, it was  _ Voldemort. _ ”

Ah, yes. Do my job for me will you? Continue to make random conclusions and leave me out of it. To be fair, Voldemort was probably the reason why Harry is dead. I don’t know, I didn’t arrive in time to figure out.

“No, no, no, Harry can’t be dead! Harry has Black blood, so he awakened his metamorphmagus abilities! You are Harry! This one is a decoy set by Voldemort,” here the delusional male peers at Voldemort’s cooling body, “And you killed him! With magic!”

Yeah, sure. With  _ magic. _ Why do people ignore the obvious? That is definitely a bullet wound on his forehead. Dead center because Reborn has standards as do I.

Also because Reborn has ingrained his love for chaos into me, I stay silent so I can watch the shitstorm that is happening. It is amusing to watch adults devolve into miserable messes. I don’t even have to try.

“Peter, that bastard!”

I am grabbed roughly, which I resent, and bundled into a nice blanket. The poor body of Harry is incinerated by the person who I assume is Sirius Black in a fit of anger, muttering about destroying anything remaining of Voldemort. It also sets fire to the house that was certainly not burning before.

We don’t make it very far before we run into a huge person. And hairy. But that’s not a nice name to call someone. If someone is hairy, call them Harry.

“Hagrid! Take Harry and the motorcycle, I have unfinished business,” Sirius Black shoves me into the new person’s arms. 

Wow, talk about getting dumped quickly. Did Reborn ever get dumped within fifteen minutes of meeting someone? Probably not.

Hagrid barely gets a word in edgewise, and by barely I mean he doesn’t, before Sirius speeds off into the night. I am left with the giant. Who I hope does not like eating Englishmen. Or children. I’m not English or a child, but I wouldn’t put it past Hagrid to not start spouting words like “fe”, “fi, “fo”, or “fum”.

Then I’m shoved in a basket. Like an animal. Lizards do not live in baskets you heathens, where is my lamp? My  _ lämp _ ? Okay, I’m not a moth, but I want my lamp.

Flying through the sky on a motorcycle is nice. Skull would be ecstatic. But Verde can make him a flying motorcycle that is  _ cooler,  _ so take that Sirius-who-dumped-me-in-less than-fifteen-minutes! I am getting the hang of this hyphenated title thing.

Why is Hagrid going along with this? I look nothing like Harry!

He does know what Harry looks like, right?

Right?!

Dumbledore makes an appearance when Hagrid hands me off to him. How many times am I going to be handed off to someone tonight?

“Lily’s child was supposed to have her eyes, no?” a tabby cat asks from her perch before transforming into a woman. 

Animagus. Can I pretend to be a lizard Animagus? No one will know until they figure out I have no magic. Imagine that, Harry Potter a squib. The word will riot and I will prepare popcorn.

“Little Harry  _ is  _ related to the Blacks, perhaps he is a metamorphmagus? The trauma must have been a shock to him,” Dumbledore peers at me in concern.

It _is_ supposed to be noticeable that I look two instead of one, right? These people are smart, right? They are seriously not going to just roll with this, right?! Please tell me one of them has a brain cell to spare?

I am left on the doorstep of a boring house identical to every other house in the neighborhood.

Damn. They _are_ going to just overlook everything.

I can still feel them watching so I play dumb. When they leave, I sit up in my basket and stare at the letter that was helpfully included with me.

Time to give Reborn a call so he doesn’t tear the universe apart.

I morph a knife to stab my hand so I can use the blood to draw a modified summoning circle. Making sure my lines are clean and everything is perfect, I light a few candles that I make to complete the setup.

“Renatus,” I intoned solemnly.

The circle lights up briefly in a flash of red before dimming to a soft glow.

“Leon, where the  _ fuck _ are you?” Reborn’s voice comes through the circle, crystal clear and really, really  _ pissed. _

“So, somehow I have been mistaken for a prophecy child despite looking nothing like him and dumped on the doorstep of some civilians,” I explain, “Tonight has been really weird. I met a monologuing dark lord. Then I shot him.”

Reborn is silent for all of two seconds,

“You are coming straight home, Leon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Renatus because it is Latin and I am a sucker for Latin.  
> Is it his actual name? No. He does need a name though, kind of like a phone number so the circle reaches the right person. So he chose "Renatus".
> 
> What is with the ending, did Leon go back or stay to cause chaos?  
> You decide.


	2. Leon vs. Hunter Exams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leon is hit by the Bazooka. What's this super-duper dangerous test? People die all the time in it? Nice!  
> It's probably not much of surprise Leon bulldozed their way into participating despite not even having the proper documents.  
> But they probably shouldn't have taken one look at Hisoka and went, "Oooh! Friend material!"  
> Really.
> 
> (Third person POV)

It's not every day that the forces of the universe conspire to send Leon off to yet another universe. Unfortunately, Lambo's itchy trigger finger and Reborn's eternal vexation at said child make an unholy combination of mayhem. The hitman would normally be ecstatic about any form of chaos, but Tsuna somehow turned the Vongola Mansion upside down and inside out in his sleep. _Literally._ Now, this isn't exactly a cause for irritation, but Tsuna accomplished this at the witching hour before Reborn had his coffee. 

_Someone_ had to pay. Preferably Tsuna, but the idiot brunette somehow managed to sleep through the entirety of being launched outside with the rest of the occupants of the Mansion, truly a testament of how desensitized the man has become to abnormalities. With the Guardians he has, it _was_ inevitable. Leon simply would have preferred it if they didn't wake up to Reborn doing his best to murder the cow child. It is only Tsuna's Hyper Intuition and Reborn's soft spot for his students that prevents Lambo from suffering a painful end. Tsuna did have to do some odd dancing to keep himself firmly between a cowering Lambo and his irate ex-tutor.

Honestly, the one time the two of them are visiting just _has_ to be the time Tsuna's terrible luck and propensity for strange happenings turns everything on its head.

As for Lambo, he had actually calmed down quite a bit over the years. While he is still a brat, he has become considerably better than before, which is really a shame because it was at that moment specifically that Lambo switched out with his younger version. Reborn can handle children fine, a younger Lambo isn't an issue. 

The _issue_ is that this younger Lambo decided that now would be a _wonderful_ time to toss one of those spikey balls he uses for the Bazooka. 

That is fine too. They are not supposed to explode when not used in conjunction with the Bazoo—

Pink smoke erupts in front of Leon's eyes and they sigh.

"Goddamit. And here I thought I could just go back to sleep on the lawn."

* * *

The smoke dissipates and Leon finds themself in their previous position, laid out on the floor lazily. Except the soft green grass is replaced with dingy floor tiles. Their nose twitches and then they sneeze. Leon rubs at their nose with a sleeve, sighing.

"I need to tell Reborn not to murder Tsuna. No, I need to tell him not to kill the entire Vongola. The power vacuum that would be left behind from executing the strongest mafia Famiglia is too much trouble to deal with."

Looking up reveals the gaping peanut gallery complete with fish eyes.

"Yo," Leon raises a hand to wave at their new fans absentmindedly.

Then they peel themself off the floor and plop down into a convenient chair.

* * *

Dutifully casing the restaurant they ended up in, Leon realizes some very important facts. 

One: the money is like nothing they have seen before, a completely different type of currency.

Two: the language is a strange amalgamation of English and Japanese. Seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to create a set of symbols that stood for different hiragana? Okay, that would have been fine by itself. But _no,_ the hiragana is then matched up to _English._ Essentially, words were written with hiragana that looked different and spoken in English.

And it is expected for everyone to have a heavy accent. Except, in this case, perhaps Leon is now the one with an accent. Normal is subjective after all.

Three: it is ridiculously easy to pickpocket people.

Leon probably ended up in a different universe. _Again._

And finally, something really shady is going on in this restaurant. What is with the people walking in talking about eyes and light? Oh, and those people are told to go to this "backroom" but they never come back out again. Well, some of them do, but those people don't look worried. Are the missing people being butchered for their organs?'

"I'm goin' ta pass tha' Hunter Exam this year, jus' you watch!" a very drunk man slurs boisterously, "I...I'm a _legen'._ "

"Not in that state, you aren't," his less drunk companion replies tartly, "Get your ass moving then and find the exam site if you're so good."

Leon doesn't bother listening to the loud fighting going on behind them. They have waited the customary five minutes in utter boredom but still have not been sent back yet. In fact, they have waited for _hours._

"It malfunctioned. _Again._ "

Maybe they should just get back to Reborn, _Reborn_ sounds like a very good place to be right now.

Standing up, Leon abandons the chair they befriended and smiles charmingly at the owner of the establishment,

"Excuse me, may I be shown to the bathroom?"

The man huffs, clearly unimpressed by the strange way they arrived and the hours they spent people-watching without even bothering to hide their blatant staring.

"Bathroom is that way, walk down that hallway and take a left. It's the first door on the right, you can't miss it."

"Thanks!" Leon twinkles their fingers and sets out to find the bathroom.

Once inside they close the stall door behind them and shift to their toddler form.

"Alright! Time to open the Chamber of Secrets!"

Then they vanish from view, the bathroom door opens seemingly by itself and gently swings shut.

* * *

Leon examines the room they discovered with curiosity,

"This is not a room. It's...ooooh! A button! Many buttons! Lemme smash!"

The charm of mysterious buttons overpowers their common sense whose voice sounds, oddly enough, like a certain hitman.

When the room starts dropping slowly, Leon takes a moment to allow the full ramifications to sink in. Then they shrug, picking up a chair, snapping off a leg, and taking a bite out of it.

"I just wish I thought to order food first, what use is all the money I reallocated to myself if I don't get to buy food with it? Eat it? Well, actually..."

They rummage through their pockets and pull out a handful of change, eyeing it dubiously,

"Nah, too dirty. Who knows what these touched?"

Then they examine the chair leg that's been halved,

"Not that a chair is much better, hmm?"

They shove the handful of coins into their mouth and chew, making a disgusted face,

"Tastes so _cheap_. Like _fast food._ You'd think money would taste rich."

* * *

The elevator doors open and Leon is assaulted by the smell of humans who have not been bathing crowded in an unventilated room,

"Y'all smell."

No one looks like they're here against their will, so maybe it _isn't_ a black market for organs. Dang, Leon had hoped that it would be something interesting. However, some of the people gathered here are vaguely fascinating. All of them super weak that even Tsuna as a civilian would be able to take them out. Okay, maybe not, but the point still stands. Leon's investigation of potentially strong people is interrupted by a green bean.

"Hello take a ba—aren't you a little too young for this?"

Leon blinks,

"What?"

"Underaged applicants are not allowed in the Hunter Exam. Unless, of course, you have the written signature of your guardian that allows you to participate," the strange creature chirps, "you should have been required to fill out an extra form."

Leon beams,

"I don't think age will be a problem."

The green bean raises a finger in admonishment,

"The rules are the rules. I do not recognize your face from any of the applications sent and you are clearly underage. I am afraid we will have to escort you out."

"So, how old do you think I am exactly?" Leon tilts their head, curious.

"Three?" the bean sighs, "Please cooperate with us, the Hunter Association does not want unsanctioned child casualties."

Clapping their hands together happily, Leon beams even brighter,

"But I'm not a kid! I'm over fifty!"

"..please comply. This is no joking matter."

"What even is a Hunter Exam anyway?"

The silence in the room is deafening.

* * *

"So what you are telling me is, this is so difficult people die?"

"Yes, now that you see why you should not be participating, please—"

"Give me an application form, I'm signing up right now! People dying! How fun! I knew there was something interesting here!"

"..."

"Oh, come _on!_ Pretty please?"

* * *

In the end, through sheer persistence and because some higher up pulled a few strings, Leon is handed a plain badge with the number sixty-nine printed on it. Not really bothered as to why an exception was made for them, Leon cackles at the number.

"Nice! A fun number, almost as fun as forty-four."

They flip the badge over,

"Oh, well, am I supposed to leave that on there?"

"Please don't announce that to the entire room and yes," the small green man says tiredly as if he isn't getting paid enough for any of this. To be fair, he probably isn't.

* * *

"Hey, I'm Tonpa! This is my thirty-fifth Hunter Exam, I could give you some tips if you'd like?" a man around his forties, at least he looks about forty, asks Leon cheerfully.

Leon squints at him before their expression melts into a maniacally gleeful one,

"Wow, you're worse than _Kabuto_ _._ Are you stronger than him though?"

"Who?" Tonpa asks, confused.

Leon waves a flippant hand at him,

"Oh, it doesn't matter. What is the point of a Hunter Exam anyway?"

Tonpa gapes,

"You...don't know? But you whined until the Association gave up on trying to convince you. The staff just went over this too!"

"Eh, I stopped paying attention after he said that the test was so hard that people died. But looking at all the applicants, the test really can't be _that_ hard, you people are _weak_."

It was probably for the best that Tonpa didn't know how to reply to that but offered a can of juice instead,

"Ah...haha..ha...how about you take this drink as a token of good luck?"

Leon brightens considerably and snatches the bottle,

"Thanks! But I won't be needing luck. A hitman isn't worth his salt if he relies on luck to survive."

Then they take a bite out of it. Then another. And another. When they have a rough cup with bite marks lining the rim, Leon chugs the contents, crushes the remaining metal into a small ball, and pops it into their mouth, biting down with an ominous crunch.

"Cheap. But I'm hungry so do you have another?"

Tonpa isn't the only one who stares.

* * *

Someone screams loudly as his arms dissolve into flowers. Leon picks one up, examines it, and sticks it into their mouth.

"Wow, more food! Red pentas flowers are really pretty. Tastes fruity, like peaches."

They stop with another flower halfway to their mouth,

"Oh, yeah! I should probably ask before I eat these. Do you want these or can I eat them?"

Golden eyes of a completely different shade stare back at Leon with surprise before they change to fascination. Leon feels like they're being examined as if they are an interesting specimen of insects never discovered before with strange eating habits. Maybe a little bit like a gluttonous ant. Leon really can't be bothered to care about the specificities.

"The man was rude when he bumped into me and did not apologize, do you not agree~?" the man in the jester get-up drawls his words like a purr while smirking like a cat about to devour an unsuspecting canary.

Leon wonders if he has a cosplay hobby like Reborn, blinks, and then shrugs,

"Well, you know, we eat the rude. But I guess flowers work just as well."

A startled chuckle,

"My, _my._ You really are a _fascinating_ one~ Grow up quickly, hmm?"

"I'm already _ancient_ _._ No need to become a fossil too. So may I eat these?" Leon grumbles with a pout. Age is a sensitive matter among the Arcobaleno. Leon just so happened to have choice in their age. 

"Mmm? Sure~" there is confusion behind those words, Leon is sure, but they're not about to enlighten the man.

Instead, Leon chirps, cheerful and sugary sweet,

"Really? Thanks!" 

"The name is Hisoka," he replies after a second of bafflement at the careless cheerfulness, bloodthirsty smirk already back in place and _wider._

"Thanks, Hisoka-kun! I'm Leon! You're like if someone took parts of Bel, Luss, Verde, and Skull to build a person."

"Oh~? And who might they be?"

Leon smiles happily while scooping up the flowers,

"Bel has a super cute and adorable nickname of Prince the Ripper—Xanxus is also super adorable too! I babysat him when he was _tiny._ The Varia keep trying to murder me, I love them so much! Luss is great at makeup. Verde is super smart and he schemes like a madman because he is one, I swear Mammon corrupted him which is great. Skull is a bit crazy and cares too little for his own self-preservation."

* * *

The first test was boring and really easy.

"How are _you_ still so chipper?! You're a _baby!_ " Leorio shrieks dramatically while huffing. 

Leon had made sure to make an acquaintance with the only applicant to show up wearing a suit. The Quartet, as Leon likes to call the odd assortment of people Leorio is part of, is interesting.

They wave as they pass the Quartet consisting of a kid that could compete with Ken but is much nicer, a kid that kills people as a job and is running away from it, a kid with a revenge quest that could make Sasuke proud, and a kid that looks like an old man.

Despite being quite far away, Leon can still hear Leorio gnashing his teeth in rage,

"Get back here!"

"Aren't you a doctor? You should know better than to damage your teeth like that. If you have the breath to yell so loudly, you should be able to run better!" Leon calls back, giggling like a demented Furby on caffeine. Reborn said so once and Leon trusts the hitman to know what he's talking about.

* * *

Huh, Hisoka uses a deck of cards as his weapon, Leon should introduce the idea to Skull. The Cloud would be ecstatic.

Watching the swamp vultures tear into the carcasses, Leon wonders if there is food in their future. They are still hungry, the two chairs in the elevator room were not enough. The cheap aluminum cans Tonpa offered and the tampered drink inside of them barely counted as a snack.

"Why are you drooling?!" Leorio whisper shouts loudly.

Leon turns a woe filled gaze to Leorio, pointing at the carcasses,

"I'm hungry, do you think I should eat that?"

"What?!"

* * *

Leon hears screaming and detects a spike in Hisoka's killing intent. They ignore it. Oh, wait, the Quartet is missing.

"Haha! They'll be _fine._ Hisoka-kun is a nice dude. He'll just maim them a bit or something!"

Tonpa takes the chance to move away from Leon. Seeing the Rookie Crusher gone, Leon sends a few reconnaissance instruments to keep an eye on Hisoka. The man is bizarre, for sure, but Leon hardly thinks that he's a bad person.

"What is Hisoka-kun doing to Gon?"

Nevermind, Leon takes back their previous statement. Hisoka is a creep, no two ways about it.

* * *

"Oh! Bacon time!"

When Leon discovers the large _pink_ pigs, they grin,

" _Carnivorous_ and possibly _man-eating_ pigs. The best kind!"

So the next phase requires Leon to cook a pig, Leon is good with pork though they do wonder what they should make with it. Maybe a soup, but roasting is much easier to do. The time frame is also restrictive of the different recipes Leon could try.

So bacon it is. Among some other pork-related foods.

Leon sticks a hand in their pocket and pretends to pull out the Reverse One Ton Mallet when they actually just transformed their hand,

"Which one of you wants to play whack-a-mole?"

* * *

"..sushi? But I _hate_ sushi! That's why I never learned how to make it," Leon mutters under their breath, "Well, I can try? It's just raw fish, rice, and seaweed, no?"

It was not just raw fish, rice, and seaweed. _It was not._

Leon is master at deserts, Italian, and Chinese food. They also did take some cooking classes when they had to pretend to be a chef working in a five-star restaurant. The thing is, Leon did not actually do much during their stint in that restaurant.

When they're making foods they dislike, their ability to cook decreases by half. Leon can only hope their sushi turns out vaguely appetizing. If only Takeshi were here, he would be able to make all the sushi. Leon has never tried Takeshi's sushi though not from a lack of being offered them. They really, _really_ despise sushi.

So Leon wasn't surprised when Menchi took a bite of their sushi, chewed a bit, and made a face,

"It actually wouldn't be too bad if I couldn't literally taste your displeasure," she said with a dumbfounded look, "I didn't know it was possible to make something more or less passably and imbue it with your disgust so strongly so strongly that it's _tasteable_."

"I despise sushi," Leon explains.

"I don't care, you still won't pass until you make something I like."

* * *

"The chairman is a fun person," Leon tells Hisoka brightly, "Look at his _hair._ "

Truly, the elder's hair was quite normal. Perhaps most men do not prefer to put their hair up in that kind of updo, but Chairman Netero's hair is quite tame compared to having a bonafide pineapple for hair.

Mukuro probably knows Leon thought that, the sneaky Mist that he is. 

"Leon-chan, hair is hardly a worthy criterion...but I agree, he is... _intriguing,_ " Hisoka giggles creepily, running a hand through his own gelled hair. Maybe that's why it sticks up in such an odd manner. Leon is suddenly faced with the idea that Hisoka's hair really looks like the top of an ice cream cone. 

"You are a creep, you know that?" Leon sighs, "Don't think I didn't see what you did in the forest. Little boys are not playthings."

"Oh~? I did not sense you," Hisoka's unhinged intensity now directed at the green-haired child.

Leon picks up one of the knives and takes a bite out of it, much to the man's delight and dismay,

"I wasn't there. Besides, I'd hardly be adequate for my job if I can't manage to remain undetectable when I want to."

"How do you consume the things you do? You never did specify your job, Leon-chan~" Hisoka prods. Their relationship is weird, they're not friends but still keep up the act of being friends. It's funny. At least, Leon thinks it's funny.

Genuinely curious, Leon ignores Hisoka's questions to ask a more important one,

"What hair product do you use? Can I taste it?"

"...why?"

"I want to know if it tastes like ice cream. Your hair looks like ice cream and now I want to eat it," Leon says, as if that were the most obvious answer in the world.

"Is this your way of proclaiming your undying love for me? How sweet~"

Wow, Hisoka can make jokes that don't involve extremely inappropriate or gory content.

Giving up on ice cream for now, Leon turns to face the ride that the chairman showed up in,

"An airship! Just like the ones in Skull's fleet! Come on, let's go already!"

But, Leon really has to wonder why Hisoka bothered following them to examine the airship.

* * *

Staring down the ravine, Leon makes the decision to immediately launch themself at the eggs. 

"It's like a contract! Get the egg quickly and efficiently to cook later," they mutter to themself, pleased at their conclusion.

Once they removed one of the eggs from the securely attached nets, the web is shaken by more and more people climbing on and they lurch back and forth. The strands of the web begin to slip, detaching from the rock wall.

"Uh, oh. Well, it was nice knowing all of you, I'm out!"

They tuck the egg inside their pocket and create a neon green grappling hook that they secure to the cliff. Letting go of the web, they swing to the harsh surface and brace for contact. Their feet slam into the stone, making a jarring impact before Leon climbs up the wall.

Some of the applicants yell to send the rope their way, Leon obliges by picking it up, coiling it into a neat bundle, and throwing it at them. With the way some curse, Leon assumes that was _not_ what the applicants wanted them to do.

"How do you keep pulling so many things out of your pocket, Leon-chan?" Hisoka asks curiously, eyes still on the grappling hook fought over by the arguing applicants. He seems to be waiting for something.

Leon holds both hands up in a peace sign,

"Because I'm _awesome._ I was trained by the Greatest after all!"

Hisoka doesn't get to respond because he decides to take that moment to jump into the ravine to snag an egg.

* * *

"Wow! These are really good! I'll have to get some more, do you think I could breed these?" Leon wonders out loud, peering at the innocuous egg in their hands, "Verde would know what to do and Skull would be ecstatic. Or maybe Colonello with how much he likes birds of prey"

Since all the applicants were paying more attention to the food than them, Leon leans over the edge of the cliff and leaps onto a web, snagging one of the bundles and cutting it loose. Climbing back up and setting it down, they create a piece of paper and a pencil.

_Hey, Reborn! I ended up somewhere else again! Don't kill Lambo or Tsuna, okay? Don't murder the Vongola. Don't go murdering someone's army either, I'm fine! It's really interesting over here, so I'll be staying for a while. There's this test that I am taking with a lot of fun challenges. People die! Isn't that great? It's adorable how hard these people are trying. Anyway, when I have a place to stop and set up a circle, I'll contact you. I have a present for you and Verde! The eggs belong to a species called spider eagles, they build their nests in webs and suspend bundles of their eggs over ravines. I can ask around for more information about their habitat and other useful things, but can you tell Uncle Verde to make more of these? The eggs are really, really good. Pretty sure these are fertilized. If Uncle Verde doesn't go off in a snit for "ruining his specimens", you should eat a few._

_With a lot of love and sincerely hoping you won't murder me for taking an impromptu vacation,_

_Leon_

"Oya? What is this?" Hisoka snags the letter as soon as Leon finishes writing it. 

They shrug and work on drawing a storage circle within a transportation circle with a piece of chalk. 

"Who is this...Reborn?"

"The most terrifying person I know," Leon answers without skipping a beat, gently setting the bundle of eggs within the circle and making sure to drip three drops of blood over it.

"Do I not count? I am offended, Leon-chan~"

Leon snatches their letter back and places it within the circle too before whispering a string of words. The circle flashes red briefly and disappears with the eggs. They turn up to face Hisoka, the man with a deranged grin.

"Oh~? I misjudged you, Leon-chan."

"Duh."

Hisoka doesn't ask about the circles, choosing to observe Leon with a predatory gleam in his eyes.

* * *

"You're cheating, Hisoka-kun. I know you are," Leon declares with an air of betrayal.

Hisoka snorts, waving one of his fingers mockingly, the nail filed to a sharp point,

"You are too, Leon-chan~"

"Touche. Hey, hey! Let's build card houses!"

* * *

"One of these days, I'm going to find out where you keep getting these things," Killua grumbles staring at the small cassette player Leon produced from their pocket.

If Leon could be bothered to elaborate, they would have mentioned how outdated cassette players are. They seem to fit in this world though, so Leon doesn't say anything. They think that Verde would probably be appalled at the underdeveloped technology. Although, some things are quite advanced. Others are an odd mixture of both, curiously advanced function with an inefficient and poor design.

"Hey, don't distract me! I'm having a very serious card house building competition with Hisoka-kun," Leon retorts, brows furrowed in concentration with balancing the delicate house of cards. 

Killua does a spit take,

"Hisoka _what?_ "

"Shush, Killua!"

And then their house of cards comes tumbling down so they glare at Killua. Clearly, it's Killua's fault.

* * *

"Hi, Reborn!" Leon greets, volume low so that people won't disturb their call.

Reborn doesn't respond for a full minute,

"Come back when you are done."

"Thanks! Is the mafia still standing?" they ask, only half-serious.

Leon doesn't believe that Reborn would actually break the mafia, he'd get bored otherwise. The other Arcobaleno would stop him, that is if they don't decide to join him in the destruction. It really would depend on their mood, the Arcobaleno can be really fickle sometimes. Skull would go for the destruction route if only so he gets to explode things.

The hitman huffs a laugh,

"Barely, but only because Tsuna is heavily repentant and is convinced he stranded you in another world."

Ah, so Tsuna is tearing the mafia apart trying to find a way to get them back. Wonderful how the man Leon views as a younger sibling forgets _who_ he is worrying over in his panic. Especially when _Reborn_ is not worried and Reborn worries—he claims otherwise, but he _does—_ about Leon far too much. Tsuna would be a _very_ young sibling with their age difference, but Leon is not about to think of the man as their own _child._ Leave the parenting to Reborn, he's better at it.

"You didn't enlighten him about the letter I sent, did you?" Leon sighs, exasperated and amused at the same time. 

It is far more entertaining to watch Tsuna panic than it should be. Reborn has been provoking Tsuna for about a decade, the fact that he hasn't gotten bored of it is a testament to how funny it can be. Tsuna doesn't mind. Much.

Reborn simply answers with the same easy confidence he has with everything else in the world,

"He deserves it for waking me up at three in the morning."

"True, Tsuna will be fine. So will the mafia, probably," Leon states with suppressed laughter.

For all that Tsuna is Dame, he's actually a force to be reckoned with. Too bad he can't control it and ends up looking like a pouting kitten when he does try. When he isn't trying, however, Tsuna manages to always somehow end up in ridiculous situations.

Another pause before Reborn speaks up again,

"We are betting on it."

Leon laughs,

"Oh? What are the stakes?"

There is no doubt who Reborn means by "we". It has been that way for longer than Tsuna has been alive. The Arcobaleno move as a collective unit. That's how it always has been, well, most people would say that. Leon remembers the time when Skull was only sixteen and terrified of Reborn's shadow. When Mammon would still try to strangle Fon for every piece of furniture he accidentally disintegrated. Now they have an entirely separate budget dedicated specifically to Fon's disintegration shenanigans.

"The winner gets a favor from everyone," Reborn answers, "Verde says his calculations determine that the mafia will last for another forty days before imploding on itself. Skull is pretending that he isn't trying to make it happen sooner."

This time, Leon doesn't bother to suppress their laughter,

"Let me guess, Lal Mirch has given up and Colonello is stuck between supporting her and betting on something himself?"

"Of course," Reborn's answer is self-satisfied and smug.

"Mammon must be having a fit, they hate owing favors, even potentially owing favors," Leon says with wonder. 

It is telling that despite all of that, Mammon is still going along with it.

Reborn takes the pause to smoothly interject his own request,

"You can do me one by staying where you are for another ten days."

"Got it," Leon knows Reborn can't see their borderline deranged grin, but they also know Reborn can tell anyway.

* * *

Leon pats Killua on the head,

"There, there, murder child. Don't spill blood everywhere next time, alright?"

A clawed hand quickly jabs at Leon's heart, they stop the blow before it hits,

"Hug therapy time!"

"H-huh?" Killua blinks, expression clearing, surprised that Leon has not ended up dead yet.

It would be an insult if Leon died to a child about a fifth of their age. Leon has a reputation in the mafia, and it's an _infamous_ one for very good reason.

Leon, however, simply smiles and pats Killua's head faster,

"You remind me of some people I know. Besides! Everyone knows that if someone is uncontrollably murderous, the best way to fix it is with hugs! Why else do you think Tanjiro became a human again?"

Leon learned from their experience with Xanxus. From interacting with Kyoya-kun. Belphagor. Mukuro. _Many_ people. Hugs always seem to stop them dead in their tracks, frozen in surprise and smothered hope. The first person they tried it on though, will always be Reborn. Because they knew no matter how mad the hitman got, he wouldn't stoop so low as to retaliate violently. Well, _too_ violently.

Killua tries to escape the death grip Leon has on him,

"Who is Tanjiro?"

Leon pats even faster, hand practically a blur,

"A checkerboard with a really hard head wielding a sword, running around killing demons, and toting his sister."

"Um...what."

Leon grins even wider. Mission accomplished, Killua is distracted and back to thinking Leon is insane.

* * *

The tower they are deposited on sticks out like a sore thumb in the lush greenery. Leon gazes down the side in contemplation, wondering if they should make a jump for it. The test _this_ time is to get to the bottom of the tower, falling would probably be the fastest way to do it. Unless it is falling down with propulsion, then Leon would be even faster. Nothing like attaching rockets to your legs and racing to the ground.

An applicant starts climbing down and Leon absentmindedly calls him a weakling because climbing? Really? Take a leap of faith like a _man._ Drop like a rock. Become one with the rock. _Rock_ the world. Okay, now that is getting cheesy.

And then the man is picked off by some really odd-looking birds so Leon stops mocking the poor dude. He's dead anyway, no point in beating a dead horse.

"Six legs? Wouldn't that make it an insect? I'm not sure even Colonello would be able to love these."

That's saying something because Colonello loves _everything_ that flies _._ Especially if it's dangerous. This is both. But Colonello has standards too even though they are very low ones.

Mind made up, Leon opens a trap door located conveniently to the left of them and calls out into the darkness,

"Hey! If I make it to the bottom of the tower from the outside without getting killed by those things, do I still pass the test or nah?"

Metal bars close off the entrance with a clang, Leon managed to get their head out of the way before getting impaled. They wonder if the metal bars ever got into a fight with Leon's face, which would win. The speed of the metal isn't bearly fast or forceful enough to do serious damage. Leon could just eat their way out if it.

A speaker crackles to life beyond the bars,

"If you manage to survive the rest of this phase outside, then yes."

"Okay!"

"But you have to take someone with you and if either one of you dies, the remaining person fails."

Leon immediately looks for Hisoka, the man probably would be the most likely to agree,

"Hisoka-kun! I have a proposal for you!"

"Not him," the examiner deadpans.

Oh, Hisoka is already gone, that's disappointing. Now Leon has to persuade someone to come with them.

"Awww!"

* * *

"Hi, lady with the glasses and sniper rifle! You are coming with me!" Leon pops up in front of her.

To be honest, they chose her because she looked vaguely like Bianchi. The poison specialist is endearing for all that she has an unhealthy propensity for obsession.

"No," she refuses immediately.

Leon takes her by the hand and drags her to the edge though she resists the entire way,

"That's fine, the examiner never said you had to agree with me. Don't worry, I'll keep you alive, it'll be fun!"

With that, Leon trips her over the edge of the tower before rolling off the side themself,

"It's almost like skydiving, but without the parachutes!"

Really, she's getting a pretty good deal. She'll pass quickly and won't even have to do anything.

 _"Oh, I'll_ pass _alright,_ " she screams angrily so Leon must have said the last part out loud. If she can joke, surely she must already be recovering.

* * *

"What took you people so long? We were waiting for forever! Siper wasn't even good at playing cards. It was really boring so maybe I should have gone into the tower instead?" Leon takes a long moment to consider it. While the wildlife is indeed pretty and the terrain is similar to areas where Verde likes to build his bases, after Leon got rid of the six-legged birds that even Colonello wouldn't be able to love there weren't many interesting things to do.

Kurapika pinches the bridge of his nose,

"Only you, Leon. Only you."

* * *

The next phase is a literal hunting game, Leon's quite used to these. The Arcobaleno really like team activities. Hunting each other down is something they do constantly, game or no game. When the rest of your family have unusual haunts and tend to travel often, getting a face to face conversation requires a bit of effort. They don't bother to tell each other where they are going most of the time. It is expected that each Arcobaleno would take the necessary precautions to stay safe. Skull is the only one who ignores the rule, but he's the exception because he might actually be immortal at this point. When they did play team games that involved hunting each other, something they're all _very good at,_ alliances and deals would be struck where members teamed up to take out the competition before turning on each other. A lot of backstabbing happened.

 _A lot_ of backstabbing. Mammon is included in the Arcobaleno, of course, there were backstabbing and secret deals. Bets would be made and the winner gets to choose the punishment for all the losers.

Clearing their nostalgic thoughts, Leon asks all the applicants,

"Hey, who has number 198?"

No one responds, predictably. But Leon did have a purpose for announcing their prey, the Amori brothers immediately began whispering amongst themselves.

"Wow, amateurs," Leon giggles, "It has to be one of them."

* * *

Since Leon got to the bottom of the tower first, they get to enter the island first. It was only because they had to catch Siper to make sure she didn't end up a blood splatter.

Leon smiled, waved to the guide, got off the ship, and sat down next to it. Murmurs of confusion spread through the applicants on the ship. 

Maybe it wasn't a particularly _smart_ choice _,_ but they already know to target the Amori brothers. It would be easier to just sit here and wait for their turn to leave and take the badge before running off to hide. Besides, whoever has Leon's number wouldn't dare go after them immediately, the paranoia of their own hunter would drive them to hide and keep watch first.

That and Leon feels like messing with people. If they lose, they lose. It's not as if they _want_ a Hunter license, it's useless to them since they won't be staying after the exam.

* * *

Some people _are_ going to attack them right off the bat, wow. Leon uses the Mallet to knock one out. Even Hisoka left after having a short conversation with Leon about butterflies. He's almost as bad as Verde when it comes to bringing up random topics.

Oh look, it's the Amori brothers! Leon waits as they finally get off the ship, targeting the most hesitant one who looked their way forty-two times in the span of ten to twenty minutes;

* * *

The island is pretty nice in Leon's opinion, lots of pretty animals and plants. They make sure to trap a couple for Verde to study, those butterflies might be useful. The people from the Hunter Association following him are a little annoying though.

* * *

In the end, only ten people came back. Leorio and Kurapika look as if they went through a harrowing experience and Gon is not much better. The applicants have a day to rest in the airship and recover before the Final Exam commences. Leon leaves to find some food in the cafeteria as islands do not have five-course meals and they didn't want to become even more suspicious by making pots and pans to cook with.

The one time they freaked out their silent entourage of suited people hiding in the trees is enough.

But seriously, it was just Reborn sending his version of a gift. He has a strange sense of humor, Leon has to admit, but no one was hurt physically. Emotionally...they are not so sure. 

It was just a Cerberus. Named Cici. Really cute too. 

Maybe a little on the big and alarming side, but the people sent by the Hunter Association are just pansies. It wasn't as if one of them had an allergy to dogs.

* * *

"Who would I like to fight most and who would I not?" Leon taps their chin in contemplation, "Well! The most interesting to fight would probably be Hisoka-kun and Pin Cushion. Though I'd rather not because then it would become difficult to do damage control."

Leon knows about damage control. Knows it intimately from the destructive power of their family. Knows it from being "babysat" by the Varia. They had razed Mafia Land to the ground once with the Varia by accident. To be fair, Colonello was there and joined in too, which was why things got so out of hand.

The chairman is silent, an obliging grandfatherly smile pasted on his face.

Leon continues, this time tapping the low table with the fingers of their other hand, a habit they picked up from Verde,

"It would be nice if I didn't have to fight Gon, Kurapika, Leorio, or Killua though, I am not fond of the idea about hurting them. Anyone else if fine for me. I don't particularly care about who I fight, even if they are the people that I mentioned earlier. An objective is an objective, as long as I am not asked to kill or permanently hurt them I should be fine."

Fon is like that, even more so than Leon. With the exception of his family, the assassin has no qualms about killing anyone no matter how much he likes the target. He wouldn't even reel grief or regret though he genuinely liked the other person.

"Are you sure?" the chairman asks, with a cheerfully scheming glint in his eyes, like Skull when he thinks he's being clever.

Leon smiles before becoming serious once more,

"Definitely don't want to fight Hisoka-kun or Pin Cushion though, but Pin Cushion more because I know very little about him."

Leon is not going to mention the dark-haired male who killed Siper, or that they suspect he is actually Gittarackur. The person is skilled and gives off a disturbing aura. Leon is not here to show off their abilities to strangers or be an exhibitionist about their skill but to have fun trolling people. Also, Hisoka would never stop trying to fight Leon if the man realizes that they know more than a few interesting tricks and have not been relying on luck to get them this far.

They've been careful too!

That, and even after the Exam, Leon has a few days to wait before heading back as per Reborn's request. A few days that Hisoka could capitalize on in his attempts to start a fight. Really, life is much easier for Hisoka to believe they have potential but no actual strength.

"And Hisoka?" the chairman prods.

"Well, I know him better and how he moves, but nothing in-depth. Knowing him, he definitely has something nasty up his sleeve and a million back up plans. He'd be annoying to fight," Leon answers honestly.

Hisoka would definitely have something up his sleeve, Skull would do the same.

"Very well, thank you for your time," the chairman dismisses Leon.

Walking back to their room, Leon wonders if it is possible to skip out on the fighting entirely.

A thought occurs to them and they grin,

"Right! I came here with a completely different purpose!"

* * *

"I forfeit!" Leon chirps guilelessly, "The Exam has been fun, but fighting is bothersome if I'm not getting paid for it. I don't know or care about who I was supposed to fight, but congratulations on becoming a Hunter."

The room is silent.

Leon can only imagine the remaining applicants are shocked that they would give up so quickly right after Chairman Netero explained the rules. Before they even _tried_ to win and gain a Hunter license. Jokes on them, Leon has no interest in proving anything to anyone but their family.

"I suspected that you may do something like this," the chairman chortles as if he has been pleasantly surprised, "In fact, I hoped you would. After all, no applicant has entered or left the Hunter Exams quite like you."

Then the chairman reveals the pairings for the fights, Leon is offended the man didn't even put them on it. Leon has also noticed how the chairman mention how they entered the Exam. They have a feeling he's not talking about how they essentially annoyed the administrators to let them participate

"As you can see, Leon is not paired with anyone, therefore, the fights will go as planned," Chairman Netero strokes his beard in what should be a wise manner. It comes off as anxious to Leon.

"Wow, what if I didn't forfeit?" Leon complains, upset that they were seen through so easily. The chairman deserves his title for his uncanny and astute predictions, Leon is not an easy person to read.

Netero proudly flips the board with the matches displayed on it only to how different pairings with Leon's had they decided to stay,

"There is a back to this board."

"Oh."

* * *

"Go, Gon, go! I believe in you!" Leon waves shimmery pom-poms in random motions, dressed in a cheerleading outfit.

Killua inches away from them with disgust,

"I don't know you. Please _stop._ "

" G. O. C. O. M. M. A. S. P. A. C. E. G. O. N. C. O. M. M. A. S. P. A. C. E. G. O. E. X. C. L. A. M. A. T. I.—"

"What gibberish are you even saying? There's no way it's _that_ long. You're not even saying the right characters!" Killua points at Leon dramatically with a twitching eye.

"—O. N. I should say 'point' right? since it is an exclamation _point_ _._ I guess exclamation works fine on its own. Eh, I'm going to just redo it."

"No!"

* * *

"Kurapika, have I told you that you are basically an Uchiha?" Leon asks once Kurapika's round is over, "You have the general personality of one. Plus, your eyes and their trigger is also pretty similar. Except the Uchiha gain world hacking superpowers from their eyes because they are massive cheats."

"...what is an Uchiha?"

"Don't worry about it, I'm pretty sure they don't exist."

"Okay....?"

* * *

KIllua forfeits his first round, despite Leon's suggestion that he really, really did not want to do that.

"Killua! That one is _way_ stronger than you!"

The boy in question did not appreciate Leon's vote of confidence, or rather, lack thereof,

"Tch. You don't even know how strong _I_ am."

Leon facepalms,

"Trust me, I _know._ If I think fighting him is too much effort, then you are definitely over your head. Think of it like you're fighting Hisoka."

"I am flattered you hold me in such high esteem, Leon-chan~" the man fans himself with a row of cards.

Leon rolls their eyes,

"Drama queen. I swear, if you ever meet Reborn, you'd either get along like a house on fire or it's a spontaneous combustion of doom. Most likely the latter because you'll definitely offend him by being a creep."

"And now my heart is broken~ Such a shame~"

* * *

"You have serious family issues, Killua. Now snap out of the mind control!" Leon calls out to Killua, but it does not seem as if the boy heard them so they continue at a much lower volume, "I wonder how Illumi is doing it. He's not using Mist...hmmm. So I was right, there _is_ something else at play here. I might decide to post-pone my departure to find out more."

"Leon-chan, what is this _mist_ you speak of, hmm~?"

"Well, it's misty. I don't know, you haven't seen mist before?"

Leorio looks like he's about to explode in anger at the eldest Zoldyck child,

"You _bastard!_ He's your brother!"

Oh, well, he _has_ exploded instead of being _about_ to explode. Leon supposes that since it's not Mist Flames, breaking out of that mind control might be a tad different. Doing so could even result in permanent brain damage.

"There's always next year?"

"Leon!" Leorio grabs them by the shoulders, "Be more supportive!"

* * *

"Umm...congrats on passing, Leorio?" Leon is not sure how to address the situation. On one hand, Leorio accomplished his goal, on the other, this was most certainly not how Leorio wanted to pass.

"Dammit! This wasn't how it was supposed to go!"

Bingo. Leon was right. Kurapika looks just as shell-shocked by the sudden nosedive Killua's terrible situation took.

Leon sighs, patting Leorio in the leg because of their currently diminutive height,

"Oh, how the turns table. Gon is not going to be happy about this, you realize?"

"Aren't you a ray of sunshine, Leon-chan," Hisoka muses in that creepy way of his.

Leon pokes him,

"Shush, I've spent my life killing people, not making friends with them. All of my friends are just as socially inept or terrible people. My family is probably a therapist's nightmare. I'm only good at interacting with civilians when I don't have to care about them."

"Oh~?"

* * *

"Leon," the Chairman Netero calls from behind the green-haired toddler, "If you would walk with this old man?"

Leon turns around to face the chairman, following the elder,

"Yes, Chairman Netero?"

"You are that young man that arrived in a cloud of pink smoke, no?" the chairman chuckles at Leon's surprise, "You know of him, yes. That much I can tell. Imagine my surprise when he disappeared in the bathrooms only to reappear in the Hunter Exams as a child."

Leon blinks,

"Huh, so someone _was_ watching me. I would be disappointed if you weren't monitoring the Exam so carefully."

"So tell me, just what _was_ your purpose for participating in the Hunter Exams?" Netero's voice is still deceptively calm, but now it has an edge to it.

Leon laughs and morphs back into their adult form,

"Me? My good sir, you hardly need to be so concerned. I simply found myself in a strange new land with interesting people. The Hunter Exams sounded like the perfect vacation so I took it."

"You do not have nen. More concerningly, it is as if you have no life force at all," Netero points out.

Laughing even louder, with a little more surprise this time, Leon grins,

"So I am missing a life force, eh? Wouldn't be the first time someone has told me that. The day Reborn found out, he accidentally broke two door handles. He claims he wasn't concerned, but who is he kidding?"

"What is your intent here?"

"I am not going to stay for much longer, at most another day. It was not my intent to arrive here, nor is it mine to stay here. I could have returned, but you know, curiosity killed the cat and all that."

"Then I will not keep you."

* * *

Leon then proceeds to walk into Hisoka as an adult. The man stared for two seconds before realizing.

"You know, you never showed your true strength~ Holding back leads to stagnation~"

Leon manages to sneak away before Hisoka can try anything.

* * *

"Good luck with getting Killua back, you three," Leon says with a smile, "Irritate Illumi for me, will you?"

"I still can't believe you were an adult this _entire time,_ " Leorio throws his hands up in exasperation.

Leon laughs at the tone Leorio has taken in his petulant ramblings and Gon's awed look,

"Not going to lie, I had us all in the first half."

"What is that even supposed to mean," Kurapika raises a brow.

"Whatever I meant. Now, I have to leave soon, so take this," Leon hands them a package.

Gon frowns,

"You aren't coming with us?"

"Nope!"

With that, they begin preparing the summoning circle in their own blood for the trip home. It'll hurt like every other time Leon has tried this, body torn apart down to the atom and rearranged again in another place.

The Trio, now without Killua, watches in morbid fascination,

"What are you even doing? I do not recognize the design," Kurapika murmurs.

"You wouldn't, Reborn modified this one for me specifically," Leon smiles fondly, "Because, and I quote, 'You are a tomato that gets into too much trouble'."

"He is important to you," Kurapika notes.

The boy only receives a deadpan look from Leon in response.

"There, all done," they step inside the reverse summoning circle, knowing that an identical one is carefully engraved into the floor of the entrance to the Arcobaleno's current home, "Bye!"

The last thing Leon sees is the dumbstruck faces of Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Money isn't rich enough for Leon, lol. Money. That spoiled lizard, literally eating money and dissing it XD.  
> Leon was talking about the tracker implanted in the badges when they flipped it over.  
> Are Hisoka and Leon friends? Uh...does Hisoka even do friends is the real question. In my opinion, he doesn't. He kills them. Leon thought he was cool at first. That impression died a quick death with the first few exams. Now Leon thinks Hisoka is a creep. An odd creep, but still a creep.  
> As for Hisoka? Leon is interesting to him and he is slowly beginning to realize Leon finding the Exam site was not a fluke. Leon passing the phases was not a fluke either. Yes, Leon has done some weird things, but some sort of dimensional storage space is not very exciting, plus he thinks the circles are how Leon gets things done. Those look like a lot of effort and inefficient. Definitely has potential, but not immediate fighting material. Boy is he wrong.
> 
> Leon pulling a Luna Lovegood by referencing things people don't understand or exist makes my day.
> 
> Oh boy, this one is long, How did I write this in all one day? On four hours of sleep no less.


	3. So you want to be a lizard (wizard) Harry Potter/KHR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Leon had stayed behind. A continuation of the first chapter. Canon goes sideways as usual with Leon and the Arcobaleno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is written in third person and canonically after Yer a lizard, Harry. You can take it however you want, though. If Leon went home, then this can be yet another au. It works either way in my opinion.

If Leon had to use one word to describe the Dursley’s, it would be  _ boring. _ The next word that comes to their mind is annoying. After decades of  _ Reborn, _ they don’t precisely remember what normal children are supposed to do. Tsuna might have spawned and foisted babysitting duties on them once or twice because Xanxus vouched for Leon. The Neo Vongola Primo thought after spending so long with the cursed Arcobaleno, Leon must be great with children, especially since Xanxus claimed that Leon also babysat him. 

Which was true, Leon did babysit Xanxus. 

But look how Xanxus turned out.

Tsuna  _ knows _ Leon, yet he still handed over his precious heir with an oblivious smile. As such, Leon thinks Tsuna has no room to complain. They put in extra effort into instilling important lessons into the Vongola heir. The nearly ten months old heir started rather late in Leon’s humble opinion, Leon themself started on hard mode the moment they hatched courtesy of the lovely Estraneo.

So when Tsuna protested about his beloved son already awakening Sky Flames, Leon was greatly confused. They made sure that the child was never in any danger or suffered any trauma. The baby didn’t even know it was shot with a Dying Will Bullet. Leon modified that one to mitigate the physical stress to match what a baby should be capable of. It was a very tiny bullet and Leon lined up perfect circumstances for the bullet to achieve maximum effect.

They were forbidden from doing anything remotely dangerous the next time Tsuna ran out of options for babysitters—a baby with Sky Flames is apparently a  _ terrible _ combination—because none of the people could withstand the Sky Attraction. In other words, Tsuna ran out of babysitters very quickly.

Leon returned the Vongola heir with a tiny toy gun that fired rubber bullets at frightening speeds. Tsuna took one look and shrieked. He honestly overreacts a little too much, a habit that Reborn was never able to hammer out of him with the Mallet of Doom.

Xanxus just happened to walk in that time, the man took one look and walked out again, shutting the door behind him, uncharacteristically gentle. Explosive laughter echoed through the closed door for ten full minutes before Xanxus opened the door again with a carefully blank expression. Well, carefully blank for Xanxus. The deranged smirk bisecting his face says a lot.

“Yo, trashy Primo. Trouble in paradise?”

For once in their very strangely antagonistic but grudgingly respectful relationship, Tsuna was not the slightest bit timid at all,

“Get.  _ Out. _ ”

Since Tsuna was not happy, he went to Reborn instead of Leon. Tsuna then received a baby capable of shooting with extreme prejudice and accuracy. 

Reborn’s excuse was something along the lines of: "He brought a gun with him and tried to shoot me like an amateur. I improved him.”

By the time the dead inside Tsuna gingerly took his... _ floating child _ from Mammon, it was clear that Leon was the tame one. 

“ _ Hieeeeee??!  _ Isn’t... _ isn’t Mammon supposed to like children?? _ ”

“Mū, why else do you think I gave it telekinesis?”

The Neo Vongola Primo gave up when Fuuta barged into his office to excitedly tell him that the Ranking Planet has the Legendary Vongola Baby—apparently, surviving being babysat by all the Acrobaleno meant something—as the World’s Most Powerful Baby. Reborn happened to be present and immediately began bullying Tsuna to give his son to the Arcobaleno because only the Arcobaleno are allowed to be composed of the World’s Greats. Or something. Leon wasn’t listening, they were too busy setting up the stickiest tape dispenser capable of spitting out ridiculous amounts of double-sided tape at the rate of a mile per two minutes. They haven’t forgotten Tsuna being unappreciative. Let Tsuna be taped to all the paperwork.

The Neo Vongola Primo had sighed, put his head in his hands, and then spent the rest of the hour in that position, sighing moodily at random intervals. Reborn sat delicately on top of a precarious pile of important files, smirking smugly, proving the often muttered phrase of the mafia true. What Reborn wants, he gets. 

The Legendary Vongola Baby became an official ward of the Arcobaleno two hours later.

Since the Arcobaleno are not horrible people to take babies away from their parents—Skull does not count, he  _ says _ he found them, that liar—the Vongola Palazzo becomes very full and very,  _ very _ chaotic. The west wing got invaded by aliens within the first week.

* * *

In the end, it boils down to one very simple fact. Leon is not good with children who are supposed to be normal. They are also incapable of behaving like a normal baby. Never have they needed to be a civilian baby on a mission for longer than a couple of minutes to get past security and blow up a few private jets.

With this unfortunate fact, the Dursleys absolutely despised them. In hindsight, sitting up in the crib and introducing themself maybe isn’t the best way to rope civilians into a personal undercover mission to hijack the wizarding world for shits and giggles. 

“Hello. Please call me Leon instead of Harry.”

Leon thought they were polite enough. Their request should be seen as unusual, but from what they gathered, the Dursleys are none too bright so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Mrs. Dursley fainted and Mr. Dursley turned purple. The shade of purple Skull’s hair gets when he rolls in the mud and refuses to wash it for aesthetic purposes, whatever “killing the vibe” means. Skull has a strange taste in vibes, he even went through a gunpowder themed accessories phase. Who would have thought that he put real gunpowder into everything so it was all rigged to blow up?

Anyway, the Dursleys are boring. Leon hasn’t seen any chaos at all and they’re sentenced to doing chores.

* * *

“Boy! Get in the cupboard!”

“But Vernon, my name is Leon and I’m only sometimes male so the label ‘boy’ is absolutely inaccurate. For all you know, I could be female right now—”

Leon is shoved into the cupboard and the door is locked quickly, cutting them off.

“Well, that’s rude,” they dismantle the hinges and the door tilts awkwardly, only held up by the padlocks, “Continuing where I left off—”

“ _ Boy! _ ”

Leon squints, 

“You sure you aren’t some parallel universe version of Squalo? Because the way you just said that sounded eerily similar to how he would scream at Xanxus. Except Squalo would never call Xanxus ‘boy’.”

“ _ Cupboard! _ ”

“Yes, yes. I am aware a cupboard exists. Back to the topic, Squalo only ever calls Xanxus some iteration of ‘shitty boss’—”

* * *

“Dudley, I might be a wonderful cook, but if you continue eating that much, you’re going to end up a clone of Vernon,” Leon lectures their fake cousin, “Look at all these pictures I got for you! You might start rotting and that’s the least of your worries.”

Dudley is turning an unfortunate shade of green.

“Hey, hey! Dudley! Hey! Throwing up is bad for you too. So many things can go wrong! Look at this diagram, you could ruin your teeth and develop nasty ulcers in your mouth. If you puncture your esophagus, you could even die!”

That was the end of that impromptu lesson because Dudley fainted. Leon ate the pictures they printed so Petunia had no evidence. The cupboard is quickly becoming a place they visit frequently. Not that it works very well.

* * *

“Petunia, do you know the cleaning agent you are using makes you age faster? Breathing it in can cause cancer! Look at all the carcinogens in the ingredients list! What if you die before your precious Dudders grows up?!” 

It’s hard to say who was more surprised, Petunia who shrieked or Leon who had to cover their ears before their eardrums suffered. Well, Leon supposes this means Petunia still has a healthy pair of lungs.

* * *

Leon presents a yellow rose the size of a baby’s head to Petunia,

“Hey, Petunia! Do you like the roses? Do you? I think they’re adorable. Yellow ones are my favorite. I’m great at growing yellow roses, all the roses I grow inevitably become yellow and—”

It would seem that Petunia has a penchant for screaming. 

“...if you had let me finish my sentence, I could have told you they are carnivorous,” holding up a finger and excitedly punching the air, Leon continues, “Very convenient for disposing of bodies. Human compost makes the blooms even bigger. Reborn says I have a talent, but he looked pretty exasperated when he said that so I don’t know. Am I talented?”

Dudley probably takes after his mother because they both faint the same way.

“Petunia! What did I say about the carnivorous roses! You aren’t supposed to faint into them!”

* * *

“Dudley, if you want to get swole, all you have to do is drink this,” Leon presents a vial of suspicious red fluid to the now moderately chubby baby. Is it accurate to call a child over a year old a baby? Leon doesn’t care too much about the details. Dudley should be at the age where getting stronger to protect his Famiglia is all he thinks about. 

Or whatever the civilian equivalent is.

Maybe he's looking for vengeance exacted from a certain man?

“Oh, come on you. Here, just let me.”

Leon shoves the suspicious vial in Dudley’s mouth.

“You’re welcome. Don’t eat anyone now. Tell me immediately if you become allergic to wisteria or burn in the sun.”

* * *

Usually, Leon revels in having more chores to do, it was much better than sitting around or scoping out the incredibly mundane house  _ again _ . There was nothing the last time they checked and there will be nothing this time either. The Dursleys are incompetent. For a multi-talented hitman of the highest caliber, being idle was absolute hell. They’ve spent their entire life running around causing a ruckus and doing interesting missions, spending nearly a decade being a civilian is going to drive them crazy.

If only Reborn were here.

“If only, huh?” they say to no one in particular, pausing in wiping the kitchen table, “Why not?”

The original Harry Potter needed his mother’s protection. Leon needs none of that. If they wanted to, Leon could walk out the door, dodge all the incompetent wizards outside, and take a merry trip around the world by forcibly appropriating funds. The original Harry Potter is dead too, his mother’s protection is gone. How Dumbledore hasn’t noticed, Leon has no idea.

They could also convince Reborn to come with them when they make the daily call to update him.

"Now that's a properly chaotic idea."

* * *

Quickly drawing a few arrays and using some blood, the Dursley house became cleaner than it has ever been, rid of even bacteria. Leon had spent a year suffering through this, they need a break. Locking the cupboard from the inside, they pull the ragged mattress aside to access the summoning circle carved in the wood underneath.

Leon focuses on the connection they have with Reborn, carefully following the thread to its destination. The circle crackles to life moments later after they say the password, glowing an eerie red.

“You are early today, fragolina,” Reborn muses, unperturbed, “Happy fake birthday.”

Tsuna is screaming in the background like his child is getting murdered in front of him. He’s probably overreacting again. Mammon wouldn’t use the Vongola heir as a guinea pig for their latest experiment for a new sealing array. Verde is completely uninterested in the “annoying brat that invades my privacy and has no manners when I try to tie him down to a table”. Fon might serve poisoned tea so the child could build up a resistance early. If it were Skull, he’d take the baby with him while he tears down some unnamed road, way past the speed limit. Lal Mirch and Colonello would try to come up with another crazy training regimen.

Maybe it’s one of his guardians? If so then Mukuro might have something to do with it. Whatever.

“I’m bored and the civilians I’m staying with are annoying. Do you feel like visiting for an unspecified amount of time—also known as maybe two decades?”

Reborn is silent. Then he sighs,

“And how do you propose explaining the situation to your subpar Aunt and Uncle?”

“I don’t.” Leon says bluntly, “Summer isn’t too late to do some spring cleaning.”

“You plan on kicking them out.”

Reborn’s voice sounds bored, but there is an entertained edge to it.

“Yup! Don’t worry, I’ll be nice. They have a month to move out and I’ll pay them for the house. The Dursleys want to be rid of me so they’ll have no problem leaving me behind,” Leon explains.

“Very well. I will come over in a month,” Reborn relents finally, though he didn’t bother to put up much of a resistance.

Leon can’t wait to hear Mammon gleefully regale them with the latest gossip after the “mysterious disappearance” of the World’s Greatest—and Most  _ Terrifying— _ Hitman. No doubt the informant would be paid exorbitant amounts. Maybe Mammon would tell some poor fool where Reborn actually wandered off to, but the truth can be stranger than fiction sometimes. While Mammon never lies, at least not when they are paid, are the Arcobaleno really so crazy as to go on vacation to another universe?

Yes, yes they are. If Leon knows their family at all, they should prepare for company. Reborn won’t be the only one to show up.

Compared to Reborn, the Dursleys were even easier to convince. 

Which was  _ saying _ something because Reborn didn’t need to be convinced.

Seriously, why did Leon even bother to stay with them for so long?

* * *

There is a knock at the door. Leon looks up from their position on the rugless ground, wary. The Dursleys took every piece of furniture that wasn’t tied down to the house, as expected, and left at the very last minute. Leon didn’t have time to find new furniture yet, but knowing Reborn, the hitman would bring an unholy amount of things with him, making furniture hunting and shopping pointless in general. It would just get thrown out. Reborn has very specific tastes, expensive ones. Very specifically expensive and unusual tastes to put it all in one sentence.

Opening the door reveals Reborn, as expected, with a tiny black suitcase and dressed in his usual three-piece suit.

“Mi amore, this house is even more disappointing than you have described to me.”

Pulling the door open wider, Leon sighs while running a hand through their hair,

“The Dursleys just left so I am going to do some remodeling.”

Reborn pushes the handle of his suitcase down with a click, lifting it by the handhold and steps inside the vacated house,

“I suppose the Dursleys you speak of were those unfortunately proportioned humans I saw driving away earlier?”

“Yup, those would be the ones.”

“You have my deepest condolences, mon cher, no doubt you have suffered,” calmly opening his suitcase and pulling out a table, Reborn gives Leon a sympathetic look, “Firstly, we must do something about the  _ size. _ This house is tiny. Diminutive.  _ Nanoscopic. _ Why is the living room comparable to the size of our bathrooms?”

Leon takes the table that Reborn hands to them, it barely fits in the kitchen,

“That’s not the worst part, excluding the bathrooms and the attic, there are only eight rooms.”

Reborn peers into the unfathomable depths of his suitcase forlornly,

“I suppose this means I will have to leave the unpacking for later, nothing  _ fits. _ Please tell me this more inferior than a mere microbe piece of property has a wing where Verde can have his lab.”

Patting Reborn on the leg, Leon sighs,

“This place doesn’t even  _ have _ a wing. We might have to stick Verde in the  _ basement _ .”

It is an unspoken rule to never put Verde in the basement, the scientist would stage a hissy fit on a scale that puts Mammon to shame. Something about the dispersion of fumes and lack of airflow. Besides, the basement is Skull’s territory. Where else would his collection of... _ unusual _ vehicles go?

“Charming,” Reborn mutters sarcastically, “Tell Skull right now that his basement privileges have been revoked. I thought these people had magicals in the family?”

“Well, I have no idea what’s up with them because even jokingly saying abracadabra would get me sentenced to the cupboard without food,” Leon shrugs.

“They  _ what, _ ” Reborn’s tone could have refrozen the ice caps or plunged the world prematurely back into an ice age. For the sake of the species that would go extinct, the frigidity is only metaphorical.

“You heard me. But don’t worry, it was funny how hard they tried.”

Smiling like spring had come, complete with a rainbow array of flowers blooming in the background, Reborn closes his suitcase with an ominous snap,

“Lucertolina, I have discovered an urgent matter that I must rectify immediately. Finish this for me.”

With that, Reborn steps lightly over his luggage to the front door, taking the cheerful atmosphere with him. Leon blinks before pulling out some paper to plan how many more rooms they have to add and where to put dimensional warping entrances. Reborn was being weird. Hopefully, he won’t alert the wizards to the misfortune about to befall the Dursleys because Leon would rather not have anyone uninvited knock on their door. If Verde arrives as soon as they think he will, the unwanted guests might meet the business end of a downscaled nuke. However, since it's _Verde_ , smaller usually means  _ worse.  _ It would be hard to explain to the world why the entirety of Little Whinging, Surrey got wiped off the map with extreme radiation permeating everywhere but Number Four, Privet Drive.

Yeah, Leon will just stick to making much-needed readjustments to the house.

* * *

Reborn returns with five boxes of pizza and bags of takeout. As if summoned, Skull makes his entrance by breaking a window, only to immediately get shot at by both Reborn and Leon.

“Hi, Skull! I fixed our housing issue so you can keep the basement.”

“Thanks!" the aforementioned explosive expert beams at Leon, “So what happened? Did you get tortured or something? Why is Reborn weird? He actually bought  _ takeout. _ ”

“So uh…”

Two minutes later, Skull gives Reborn a thumbs up,

“You go, man. No cap.”

He gets another bullet for his efforts.

* * *

Leon wakes up to a low, mechanical hum permeating the entirety of the now remodeled Number Four, Privet Drive and pulls a pillow over their head.

“Hello to you too, Verde. Please shut up.”

A hatch opens in the ceiling directly above them and dumps a bucket of ice-cold water down on Leon. If they weren’t awake before, they are definitely wide awake now. Wide awake and  _ pissed. _

“I love you too, Verde. Please die.”

The sound of water turning into steam and the scent of silk slowly burning catches Leon’s attention and they realize they aren’t the only one who got splashed. 

Reborn is not a morning person.

“I retract that statement, Verde, please  _ don’t _ die.”

* * *

Perhaps they should have known that wherever Verde goes, Mammon is bound to show up eventually. When the door that should have lead to the end of the hallway where seven bedrooms are opened directly to the kitchen instead, Leon grinned.

“Hi, Mammon! There’s lemon cake left in the fridge.”

Reality warping arrays were Mammon’s specialty after all. No doubt by the end of the week, the house would be turned into an impossible quagmire of secret passageways that shouldn’t exist, much less  _ fit, _ and doors that open into equally ridiculous spaces. If Verde has already talked to Mammon, Leon doesn’t doubt that one of these days they’re going to push aside a bookshelf and find the Arcobaleno’s greenhouses on the other side.

Still, Number Four, Privet Drive will have nothing on Il Palazzo Arcobaleno. There is a good reason that despite literally everyone in the mafia knowing the location, the deceptively moderate mansion has never been successfully infiltrated. Most people have never gotten past the front gate. 

Leon is awfully good at growing roses.

* * *

Naturally, all of the Arcobaleno migrated over to Number Four, Privet Drive. While the outward appearance didn’t change much, the inside was an entirely different story. Rooms within rooms, the outdoors within rooms, rooms being bigger than they were supposed to be, rooms changing halfway inside, rooms pretending to be other rooms—the list could go on.

If anyone were to ask Leon, they’re too busy pranking Verde to answer questions.

But yeah, They’re happy. Super happy. There’s a  _ lot _ of chaos.

* * *

It didn’t surprise Leon to receive a message from Kyoya five months after Reborn left. Apparently, no one saw fit to inform Tsuna about  _ anything _ so now the brunette is extremely worried as to why the entirety of the Arcobaleno have disappeared. Usually, if something strange and concerning happens to the Arcobaleno, the first person to ask would be Mammon. Unfortunately, Mammon packed up and left pretty early, which was  _ not _ the plan, and Tsuna is left clueless.

In other words, Tsuna is losing his shit. Some things never change, it would seem.

The fact that the Neo Vongola Primo worked up the nerve to ask his Cloud Guardian to contact the Arcobaleno spoke volumes.

Well, vacation is a good excuse, right? Kyoya wouldn't care either way. Or, he shouldn't? Except he keeps asking about Fon so maybe he misses his uncle? Well, Leon had been betting on Mukuro being the first to find a way to join the Arcobaleno, but Kyoya might beat him to it at this rate.

* * *

Leon and the Arcobaleno, of Number Four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly  _ insane, _ thank you very much. They were the first people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious because they were the harbingers of chaos and a whole lot of  _ crazy _ .

But that’s a story for another day.

Hogwarts is still safe. For now. Probably. 

...not.

Now if only people would stop giving Fon strange looks, that would be great. Otherwise, Verde might plan something unpleasant with Viper’s help. And if it involved any amount of chaos, Reborn would be roped in too, causing Lal Mirch great amounts of exasperation because Colonello is Reborn’s rival. Ergo, the former soldier would also participate n the madness.

Just another day with the Arcobaleno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes there is another planned installment to this. Also for the last part at the very end, it is a parody of the first paragraph of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I do not own Harry Potter, it belongs to Rowling.


End file.
